I met you in the purgatory of night and day,
Somewhere along the sea and the sand.
With that first smile, we were bound together in thread
With that fist kiss, we were tether by twine
With that first "love", we were shackled in wires
And then we were entwined.
But as we danced along that summer in our naked feet,
We turned to find we were tangled.
Now, if I tried to fly
I'd have to take you along.
You would hang from our strings and glare up at my wings
You would cry and your tears could soak an ocean.
I bet I could ignore you,
If I kept my eyes on that weary horizon.
And maybe one day I'd cut you free
So you could fall into her arms.
Very interesting, I like how your word use changes from a gentle thread, to a binding shackel. Good movement. I was a little unclear on Thai other girl, maybe it might help if you introduced her earlier in the piece:)
ReplyDeletei like "soak an ocean" it implies that the water of each is different and yet in reality they are both salty. I wonder what this would look like in another tense...
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this, this is such a great poem. The first stanza is really good, but the second is even better.
ReplyDeletei like:
"we were shackled in wires"
"we turned to find we were tangled."
"you would hangs from our strings and glare up and my wings."
these three lines are my favorite because they draw the most emotion and they fit really well together, and seem to support each other theme-wise.
I love this!
Ohhh! one thing!
ReplyDeleteI just read kellys comment and reread the poem, and I didnt even see the last line.
I agree with kelly, i think you should think about changing how you the other girl is introduced
at the same time-- I can see that you might have been going for the abruptness within the last line.